tucky | ♻ 015

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♻ 015 | video

[The rips had closed up days ago, but Tiffany doesn't trust that right away - people were still missing and there was clearly something weird going on down at the port, so she refrains from acting like everything is over and done with yet. When people start appearing back on the ship, however, she tentatively lets herself start to believe that things really are winding down... which leads to another problem, for her.]

So, uh… during all that, I had some trouble, and Mason took my soul out of my body for a little bit, so I wouldn't be in pain and couldn't get hurt. He was great, by the way; a fucking badass - strong and brave and fighting monsters. He saved my life. He was a hero.

Y'all tell him that the next time you see him, okay?

[He revels in compliments and praise the same way she does; she has a feeling he'll like it.

And it’s so, so tempting to just focus on that and end the post right there - to do something similar to what she did after the jaeger breach and just gush about how so many people had helped her, and how nice it feels to know she has them in her corner. To just ignore the uncomfortable parts in favor of the good.

But it wouldn’t work as well the second time, and for once, she isn’t sure she’d want it to.]

But when I was out of myself, I tried to go inside a monster, and it-- I didn't really do it, but I almost did, and I felt its soul. It was the worst thing I have ever felt in my life; it was worse than dying in my dreams during that flood. It felt evil, and now my soul feels tainted.

[It isn't, really - luckily for her, any aftereffects from the experience are all in her head.]

I died a lot and then I did that, and I'm worried my soul is turning bad because of it. I don't got any real evidence, so it might not be, but... I think I would appreciate it if someone could check, or try to do an exorcism on me. Just in case.

[She smiles a twitchy smile that doesn't reach her eyes.]

I ain't panicking this time, like I did before. But if there's something wrong with me, I wanna get it fixed.

Thanks.

[filtered to Simon]

... Hey, Simon. Hi.

[filtered to Cambridge]

Maybe when we do our next therapy meeting, we can talk about this? About dying and stuff. I don’t…

I don't think I’m handling it too well.

[filtered to Ricki]

Can I talk to you?

[warden filter]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[She waits. And waits. And then waits a little more.

Nope, still nothing.

She feels the same. She'd known she would, really, but it's still disheartening to have that confirmed. It wasn't as if she'd wanted to be possessed, but it had been tempting to explain away everything she's feeling right now - confusion, discomfort, fear - as symptoms of a possession, and to try to make herself believe that once that was cleared up, she'd be completely back to normal again.

She sighs heavily, dropping her chin into her hands.]

... Okay. Thanks anyway.

[Merlin's smile is replaced by a faint, worried frown.]

You sound disappointed.

[She raises her eyes to meet his.]

I still feel wrong. Dirty. If that ain't 'cause I'm possessed...

You're still healing. It's been an awful week, and it's only barely ended.

[She assumes he means healing physically, and shakes her head.]

No, it ain't that. I mean, the death tolls still feel like shit on me, but... I'm talking about in my head.

So am I. [He tries to articulate what he's thinking.] Have you ever touched something you wished you hadn't, and even though you washed your hands and it left no mark, you could still feel it there?

Merlin, that's exactly what I'm talking about. It feels just like that.

[He sets his hands lightly on her shoulders.]

But your hands were clean. Your head is too. It just takes a long time for that feeling to fade.

How long's a long time?

It depends on the person. I don't think it'll be too bad for you, Tiffany. You're stronger than you think.

[He's hoping this is going to prove self-fulfilling prophecy. If she knows he believes in her, maybe it'll help her to believe in herself. Her own resilience.]

[Luckily, his instincts are right.]

I don't feel very strong right now.

[Merlin shakes his head.]

Strength isn't about just feeling strong. Strength is...it's about being able to cope, and keep going and trying to be happy, even when you're scared. Even when you feel weak.

What if I don't feel much like I can do that right now, either?

Then you give yourself time to heal. And you forgive yourself for needing that time. You've been through so much, this week. I'd be more worried if you tried to tell me you were fine.

I can't sleep without nightmares. I was starting to get over them, from that flood - but now I'm not anymore.

[Merlin's brow furrows and he sits down on the end of the bed.]

Is it still the same? The...the deaths you relived?

And these new ones, too. And it's even worse now, 'cause I know they happened to me.

[The others from the flood had been more removed. One of them she knew had been Iris's, and so that one felt personal, but the others were (as far as she knew) deaths that happened not to herself, nor to anyone she cared about. But these dreams she's having now are real memories, and they're all hers.]

I'm sorry.

[Merlin never sleeps particularly well. His nightmares, he's just kind of woven into his daily life. They're his burden, his fair payment for everything he's done and failed to do, and he doesn't talk about them much. But Tiffany - she doesn't deserve this, not just for being in a place that's meant to make her a better person.]

I'm going to look into it. See if there's anything I can do to help you. And - you'll talk to Cambridge about it as well, won't you, if you're still seeing him?

Yeah, I am. And I will. I told him I wanted to, actually; I told him I don't think I handle dying very well at all.

[She slumps on Merlin.]

'Cause I don't. I wanted to be possessed, because then it'd be easy to fix me. But I'm not and it isn't.

I want to believe dying and being brought back so many times is part of God's plan for me; I do. But it just feels awful.

[He wraps an arm around her shoulders in a loose half-hug.]

I...I know this isn't a comfort, but I think it should, shouldn't it? You can't go home safely if the Barge teaches you to feel fine about being killed.

But I don't want it to turn me into a broken person, either.

[His response comes as a statement of fact:] It won't.

What if it does? Maybe I'm already a little bit broke. I've done things.

Things like trying to go into the monster?

I meant other things. I think that was just a bad decision; I don't think it makes me broken.

Does it?

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