tucky | ♻ 015

[The rips had closed up days ago, but Tiffany doesn't trust that right away - people were still missing and there was clearly something weird going on down at the port, so she refrains from acting like everything is over and done with yet. When people start appearing back on the ship, however, she tentatively lets herself start to believe that things really are winding down... which leads to another problem, for her.]

So, uh… during all that, I had some trouble, and Mason took my soul out of my body for a little bit, so I wouldn't be in pain and couldn't get hurt. He was great, by the way; a fucking badass - strong and brave and fighting monsters. He saved my life. He was a hero.

Y'all tell him that the next time you see him, okay?

[He revels in compliments and praise the same way she does; she has a feeling he'll like it.

And it’s so, so tempting to just focus on that and end the post right there - to do something similar to what she did after the jaeger breach and just gush about how so many people had helped her, and how nice it feels to know she has them in her corner. To just ignore the uncomfortable parts in favor of the good.

But it wouldn’t work as well the second time, and for once, she isn’t sure she’d want it to.]

But when I was out of myself, I tried to go inside a monster, and it-- I didn't really do it, but I almost did, and I felt its soul. It was the worst thing I have ever felt in my life; it was worse than dying in my dreams during that flood. It felt evil, and now my soul feels tainted.

[It isn't, really - luckily for her, any aftereffects from the experience are all in her head.]

I died a lot and then I did that, and I'm worried my soul is turning bad because of it. I don't got any real evidence, so it might not be, but... I think I would appreciate it if someone could check, or try to do an exorcism on me. Just in case.

[She smiles a twitchy smile that doesn't reach her eyes.]

I ain't panicking this time, like I did before. But if there's something wrong with me, I wanna get it fixed.

Thanks.

[filtered to Simon]

... Hey, Simon. Hi.

[filtered to Cambridge]

Maybe when we do our next therapy meeting, we can talk about this? About dying and stuff. I don’t…

I don't think I’m handling it too well.

[filtered to Ricki]

Can I talk to you?

[warden filter]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

She was killing babies. Maybe I was being moved by the Holy Spirit.

[But she doesn't sound convinced.]

[There's also the matter of what Tiffany was doing there herself, but he doesn't prod at that directly.]

Do you believe that's true, Tiffany?

That ain't for me to say. I can't know for sure what God's actions are.

But I think you know what your actions are. The things you choose to do.

I do. I do.

But what am I supposed to do about it now, Merlin? It already happened. Ain't any use in thinking about it anymore.

You keep doing what you've already been doing. You make better choices, so something like that doesn't have to happen again. Then you don't have to think about whether the things you do have damaged your soul, because you can trust that they haven't.

[And now it's time for her to admit something that she has never admitted before - not even, really, to herself.]

... Normal people don't get so mad they shoot someone for making a comment. Even if they were rude and awful. Even if they were killing babies. And you're right, she was helping me, because I wanted it too. If she's a baby-killer, than so am I.

So maybe my soul is damaged and that's why I did it, or maybe my head is. Maybe my head got messed up from doing drugs, or maybe I was just born wrong.

[Merlin's face suddenly falls into something serious and sincere; he stands up and crouches in front of her, reaching out to put his hands on her shoulders.]

Tiffany -- no. That's not who you are. You cannot think of yourself as someone who's just broken and can't better themselves. Not when you've been doing so, so well since you arrived.

Then how do I make that last forever?

You...

[He draws a breath, pushes it out.]

Nobody can just push a lever inside themselves that's going to make them a different person. All they can do is wake up in the morning and tell themselves they're going to be a better person than they were the day before - and it feels like that's what you've been doing for months. Why would you stop now?

I didn't say I was going to.

But if I have to think about what I did - really think about it - it makes me feel bad. I didn't think about it much before. Wasn't any reason to.

[This comes with a strange combination of sadness and relief. Of course he doesn't want her to feel bad, but he does want her thinking about what she's done and done wrong. And really, feeling bad is a healthy consequence of murdering someone over a rude joke.]

I...I know you won't want to hear this,but I think this is a part of you getting better. Regretting the things you did wrong, the people you hurt, that's...that's normal. It's how you learn to make better choices. You just shouldn't let it be everything you think about.

So what, I go home and tell everyone I'm sorry?

After you've graduated? You could. Or you could stay here and make a deal for her. Or you could go home and...and move on. Find a better life for yourself.

Make a deal for her?

You mean I could bring her back to life?

It's within the Admiral's power. He told me so.

[It's not the deal he ended up making, but he at least had to ask about the possibility.]

... I could ask for anything, though. Ain't it better to ask for money for me and my family than to ask to help someone I don't even know?

I think there's a lot of good things you could do. It'll be your decision, Tiffany.

I wish it wasn't.

[Because then she wouldn't have to feel bad about missing out on which ever ones she doesn't end up choosing.]

[Merlin nods in sympathy.]

It would have been easier for me, if the Admiral had simply offered me one thing and the only choice I'd had was 'yes' or 'no'.

Those are the best choices. Aren't they?

[They aren't, of course, and even she does kind of understand that. But right now, it's really tempting to equate "best" with "simplest".]

They're the easiest. But they blind you to the other choices you might make.

... Everything is fucked-up, Merlin.

Yes, it is. I wish it wasn't. I wish I could stop it being that way. I'm sorry.

Me, too.

♻ 015 | video

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