tucky | ♻ 015

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♻ 015 | video

[The rips had closed up days ago, but Tiffany doesn't trust that right away - people were still missing and there was clearly something weird going on down at the port, so she refrains from acting like everything is over and done with yet. When people start appearing back on the ship, however, she tentatively lets herself start to believe that things really are winding down... which leads to another problem, for her.]

So, uh… during all that, I had some trouble, and Mason took my soul out of my body for a little bit, so I wouldn't be in pain and couldn't get hurt. He was great, by the way; a fucking badass - strong and brave and fighting monsters. He saved my life. He was a hero.

Y'all tell him that the next time you see him, okay?

[He revels in compliments and praise the same way she does; she has a feeling he'll like it.

And it’s so, so tempting to just focus on that and end the post right there - to do something similar to what she did after the jaeger breach and just gush about how so many people had helped her, and how nice it feels to know she has them in her corner. To just ignore the uncomfortable parts in favor of the good.

But it wouldn’t work as well the second time, and for once, she isn’t sure she’d want it to.]

But when I was out of myself, I tried to go inside a monster, and it-- I didn't really do it, but I almost did, and I felt its soul. It was the worst thing I have ever felt in my life; it was worse than dying in my dreams during that flood. It felt evil, and now my soul feels tainted.

[It isn't, really - luckily for her, any aftereffects from the experience are all in her head.]

I died a lot and then I did that, and I'm worried my soul is turning bad because of it. I don't got any real evidence, so it might not be, but... I think I would appreciate it if someone could check, or try to do an exorcism on me. Just in case.

[She smiles a twitchy smile that doesn't reach her eyes.]

I ain't panicking this time, like I did before. But if there's something wrong with me, I wanna get it fixed.

Thanks.

[filtered to Simon]

... Hey, Simon. Hi.

[filtered to Cambridge]

Maybe when we do our next therapy meeting, we can talk about this? About dying and stuff. I don’t…

I don't think I’m handling it too well.

[filtered to Ricki]

Can I talk to you?

[warden filter]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Merlin shakes his head.]

Strength isn't about just feeling strong. Strength is...it's about being able to cope, and keep going and trying to be happy, even when you're scared. Even when you feel weak.

What if I don't feel much like I can do that right now, either?

Then you give yourself time to heal. And you forgive yourself for needing that time. You've been through so much, this week. I'd be more worried if you tried to tell me you were fine.

I can't sleep without nightmares. I was starting to get over them, from that flood - but now I'm not anymore.

[Merlin's brow furrows and he sits down on the end of the bed.]

Is it still the same? The...the deaths you relived?

And these new ones, too. And it's even worse now, 'cause I know they happened to me.

[The others from the flood had been more removed. One of them she knew had been Iris's, and so that one felt personal, but the others were (as far as she knew) deaths that happened not to herself, nor to anyone she cared about. But these dreams she's having now are real memories, and they're all hers.]

I'm sorry.

[Merlin never sleeps particularly well. His nightmares, he's just kind of woven into his daily life. They're his burden, his fair payment for everything he's done and failed to do, and he doesn't talk about them much. But Tiffany - she doesn't deserve this, not just for being in a place that's meant to make her a better person.]

I'm going to look into it. See if there's anything I can do to help you. And - you'll talk to Cambridge about it as well, won't you, if you're still seeing him?

Yeah, I am. And I will. I told him I wanted to, actually; I told him I don't think I handle dying very well at all.

[She slumps on Merlin.]

'Cause I don't. I wanted to be possessed, because then it'd be easy to fix me. But I'm not and it isn't.

I want to believe dying and being brought back so many times is part of God's plan for me; I do. But it just feels awful.

[He wraps an arm around her shoulders in a loose half-hug.]

I...I know this isn't a comfort, but I think it should, shouldn't it? You can't go home safely if the Barge teaches you to feel fine about being killed.

But I don't want it to turn me into a broken person, either.

[His response comes as a statement of fact:] It won't.

What if it does? Maybe I'm already a little bit broke. I've done things.

Things like trying to go into the monster?

I meant other things. I think that was just a bad decision; I don't think it makes me broken.

Does it?

No, it doesn't. [That's a fact; he's not going to linger on it.] What other things?

Bad things I've done, I guess.

[That's concerning.]

I know there were some things when you first arrived - some fights you got into. Is there something you've not told me about, since then?

I'm talking before the Barge, Merlin.

Oh.

[And he knows, he hopes, enough about what happened before the Barge that he can talk about it now.]

...Tiffany, you wouldn't be an Inmate if there weren't things about you that need to change for the better. But that doesn't make you broken.

But you think it's bad I shot someone, right? Even if she was a bad person?

... Do you think she was a bad person?

Neither of us can know that. I think she was a person, who said something rude while she was doing something to help you, and you killed her for it. Do you think that was a bad thing to have done?

When you say it like that, it sounds like it.

[Merlin looks uneasy for a moment, then presses on.]

She humiliated you, and you were angry. Anyone could understand that. But did that anger give you the right to kill her?

She was killing babies. Maybe I was being moved by the Holy Spirit.

[But she doesn't sound convinced.]

[There's also the matter of what Tiffany was doing there herself, but he doesn't prod at that directly.]

Do you believe that's true, Tiffany?

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