♻ 015 | video

[tucky]

[The rips had closed up days ago, but Tiffany doesn't trust that right away - people were still missing and there was clearly something weird going on down at the port, so she refrains from acting like everything is over and done with yet. When people start appearing back on the ship, however, she tentatively lets herself start to believe that things really are winding down... which leads to another problem, for her.]

So, uh… during all that, I had some trouble, and Mason took my soul out of my body for a little bit, so I wouldn't be in pain and couldn't get hurt. He was great, by the way; a fucking badass - strong and brave and fighting monsters. He saved my life. He was a hero.

Y'all tell him that the next time you see him, okay?

[He revels in compliments and praise the same way she does; she has a feeling he'll like it.

And it’s so, so tempting to just focus on that and end the post right there - to do something similar to what she did after the jaeger breach and just gush about how so many people had helped her, and how nice it feels to know she has them in her corner. To just ignore the uncomfortable parts in favor of the good.

But it wouldn’t work as well the second time, and for once, she isn’t sure she’d want it to.]

But when I was out of myself, I tried to go inside a monster, and it-- I didn't really do it, but I almost did, and I felt its soul. It was the worst thing I have ever felt in my life; it was worse than dying in my dreams during that flood. It felt evil, and now my soul feels tainted.

[It isn't, really - luckily for her, any aftereffects from the experience are all in her head.]

I died a lot and then I did that, and I'm worried my soul is turning bad because of it. I don't got any real evidence, so it might not be, but... I think I would appreciate it if someone could check, or try to do an exorcism on me. Just in case.

[She smiles a twitchy smile that doesn't reach her eyes.]

I ain't panicking this time, like I did before. But if there's something wrong with me, I wanna get it fixed.

Thanks.

[filtered to Simon]

... Hey, Simon. Hi.

[filtered to Cambridge]

Maybe when we do our next therapy meeting, we can talk about this? About dying and stuff. I don’t…

I don't think I’m handling it too well.

[filtered to Ricki]

Can I talk to you?

[warden filter]

Comments

[orderfromchaos]

M'tired, s'all.

[He grins a little though, because it's weird to be tired and nice to be fussed at, and lets himself be easily herded wherever she wants. Curling up for a few hours seems like a perfect idea to him.]

[tucky]

Me too.

[She nudges him over to the bed, lightly kicking the door shut behind them.]

[orderfromchaos]

You get your soul figured out?

[Mmm, comfy plush hotel bed.]

[tucky]

[And lots of fluffy pillows, too; it's pretty awesome. She flops down next to him and scoots up close, wrapping an arm around him.]

I didn't have anything in me. I'm gonna have to do it the hard way.

[orderfromchaos]

[He pets her hair a little, yawns.]

It was really brave to try.

Kinda terrible idea, but brave.

[tucky]

Trying to get exorcised was brave?

[orderfromchaos]

Trying to take over a monster.

[tucky]

Oh.

[She curls tighter, both into him and into herself.]

Mason asked me to. He needed me.

But I couldn't go through with it.

[The entire incident weighs heavily on her. She doesn't think she'll ever forget how wrong that monster's soul had felt, and how much it had repelled her. But balancing out that horror is guilt, because Mason had been hurt badly and she hadn't been able to stop it. She doesn't think she'll ever forget the sound of him screaming, either.]

[orderfromchaos]

[He squeezes her a little tighter.]

Hey. He made it, right?

[tucky]

Yeah.

[But that weight isn't really going away.]

... Hey, Dillon. Are you a mind-reader?

[orderfromchaos]

Sorta. Not really.

Depends on what you mean by it. I can figure out what people are thinking, pretty often. But I don't actually, like, hear it. Psychically or whatever.

[tucky]

You knew all that stuff about me when I first got here. You figured me out.

Can you figure me out now, too? Help me feel better?

[orderfromchaos]

I can help a little. Point things out.

[Which is where he was planning to go with it; he smiles small and soft toward the ceiling.]

You're right about having to do it the hard way. If I do enough to you to make it easy, then you'll be...like, a little less you. But I can be a friend who knows a lot of stuff.

[tucky]

Okay. And I can be that for you, too. Except... I don't really know a lot of stuff, so I'll just have to be a friend.

So what happened to you? Was it hard?

[orderfromchaos]

[There were things he was planning to say, to angle around to, about trying and failing, about shame and bravery and sacrifice and survival. And maybe he will. But he is tired, and she asks - and he thinks it might be a disrespect to her, in a way, not to lean on her when she offers, when he so wants to. It wouldn't be protecting her, to focus only on her feelings. She wants to be a friend; far be it from him not to let her. He blows out a long, slow breath, eyes still halfway focused on the ceiling about them.]

It was...no. It was strange, and irritating, and painful. But it wasn't hard.

[Quietly.]

I woke up in the middle - well, you saw. I don't think I was all the way back yet. Emotionally. I was all - buzz and instinct. Someone had to kill the giant thing, and - it's easy, breaking things. It's always easy. It was sort of complicated, but in the end - I see where things have their breaking points. And me and Jean hit it a lot there. And it broke.

And at the end I let it just....come out of me, the power, do as much to fix the planet as it could. And that was easy, too, a relief, to let go</>, even though it was exhausting.

[tucky]

[Well, that's good to hear. She'd been worried - very worried - that he'd had a tough, traumatic time of it. She's very, very relieved that he didn't.]

So you did good. You're tired, but you did good.

I'm glad, Dillon. I've been missing you a lot. I'm glad you're not...

[Her voice trails off. There are so many things she could say here - hurt, angry, traumatized, broken.

Suddenly, she remembers something. Reaching forward to open her nightstand drawer, she pulls out his rosary and places it in his hand.]

Here.

[orderfromchaos]

Oh.

[A soft rush of air. His fingers curl tight around it for a moment, then he slights it on, murmuring reflexively under his breath, Hail Mary, full of grace, our Lord is with thee... before the words peter out, and he wraps his hand around the crucifix.]

...I can't die, Tiffany.

[The prayer ends: 'Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death, Amen'. His voice cracks, suddenly smaller, half scared and half sad. He'd been doing so well, not thinking about it. It's not trauma, exactly. He's suspected for a long time. But now he knows.]

I really can't.

[tucky]

Good.

[It's an immediate, automatic response, said without really thinking about the implications of what being immortal would really mean. But then the tone of his voice registers, and she rolls over to face him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders.]

Dillon.

[orderfromchaos]

[He tucks his face in the crook of her shoulder. He doesn't cry. He feels too tried, too dry, too wrung out. But his breathing hitches and huffs like he might have, maybe, if things were different.]

[tucky]

[Oh, Dillon.]

I'm sorry. It's only good if you want it. If you don't...

[Then it's probably torture. She rubs his back.]

But I love you no matter whether you can die or not.

[orderfromchaos]

[Everyone I love is dead, he thinks, properly melodramatic. Even Tiffany and Abigail. Technically.

Not true; not true. Elsa has her life back. Winston and Lourdes are still alive, even if they don't want to see him again. Maddie - however he feels about Maddie. He's not really up for untangling that right now.]

What if I end up alone? What if I just - it'd be cruel to bring people back just to keep me company. If they had good lives of their own. It'd be wrong.

[tucky]

There's other immortal people, Dillon. I've met some here.

[orderfromchaos]

[Oh, right. Well, yes, sure.

He huffs and sniffs and smiles a little weakly.]

Well, here.

[This is part of his problem: the fear grew in his own world, and he shoved it down, too compartmentalized to see how different things could be.]

It's still. Scary, I guess.

[Less acutely distressed, more quietly nervous. Forever is just such a long time.]

[tucky]

I'm sorry.

[She knows she's repeating herself, but she doesn't know what else to say.]

But you could stay here. You don't have to go back.

[orderfromchaos]

I do. I mean - I've got. Responsibilities and stuff.

[But he has options too, maybe.]

S'not like I have to worry about it right away. It's just. A hell of a thing to get confirmed, you know.