♻ 015 | video

[tucky]

[The rips had closed up days ago, but Tiffany doesn't trust that right away - people were still missing and there was clearly something weird going on down at the port, so she refrains from acting like everything is over and done with yet. When people start appearing back on the ship, however, she tentatively lets herself start to believe that things really are winding down... which leads to another problem, for her.]

So, uh… during all that, I had some trouble, and Mason took my soul out of my body for a little bit, so I wouldn't be in pain and couldn't get hurt. He was great, by the way; a fucking badass - strong and brave and fighting monsters. He saved my life. He was a hero.

Y'all tell him that the next time you see him, okay?

[He revels in compliments and praise the same way she does; she has a feeling he'll like it.

And it’s so, so tempting to just focus on that and end the post right there - to do something similar to what she did after the jaeger breach and just gush about how so many people had helped her, and how nice it feels to know she has them in her corner. To just ignore the uncomfortable parts in favor of the good.

But it wouldn’t work as well the second time, and for once, she isn’t sure she’d want it to.]

But when I was out of myself, I tried to go inside a monster, and it-- I didn't really do it, but I almost did, and I felt its soul. It was the worst thing I have ever felt in my life; it was worse than dying in my dreams during that flood. It felt evil, and now my soul feels tainted.

[It isn't, really - luckily for her, any aftereffects from the experience are all in her head.]

I died a lot and then I did that, and I'm worried my soul is turning bad because of it. I don't got any real evidence, so it might not be, but... I think I would appreciate it if someone could check, or try to do an exorcism on me. Just in case.

[She smiles a twitchy smile that doesn't reach her eyes.]

I ain't panicking this time, like I did before. But if there's something wrong with me, I wanna get it fixed.

Thanks.

[filtered to Simon]

... Hey, Simon. Hi.

[filtered to Cambridge]

Maybe when we do our next therapy meeting, we can talk about this? About dying and stuff. I don’t…

I don't think I’m handling it too well.

[filtered to Ricki]

Can I talk to you?

[warden filter]

Comments

[orderfromchaos]

[He tucks his face in the crook of her shoulder. He doesn't cry. He feels too tried, too dry, too wrung out. But his breathing hitches and huffs like he might have, maybe, if things were different.]

[tucky]

[Oh, Dillon.]

I'm sorry. It's only good if you want it. If you don't...

[Then it's probably torture. She rubs his back.]

But I love you no matter whether you can die or not.

[orderfromchaos]

[Everyone I love is dead, he thinks, properly melodramatic. Even Tiffany and Abigail. Technically.

Not true; not true. Elsa has her life back. Winston and Lourdes are still alive, even if they don't want to see him again. Maddie - however he feels about Maddie. He's not really up for untangling that right now.]

What if I end up alone? What if I just - it'd be cruel to bring people back just to keep me company. If they had good lives of their own. It'd be wrong.

[tucky]

There's other immortal people, Dillon. I've met some here.

[orderfromchaos]

[Oh, right. Well, yes, sure.

He huffs and sniffs and smiles a little weakly.]

Well, here.

[This is part of his problem: the fear grew in his own world, and he shoved it down, too compartmentalized to see how different things could be.]

It's still. Scary, I guess.

[Less acutely distressed, more quietly nervous. Forever is just such a long time.]

[tucky]

I'm sorry.

[She knows she's repeating herself, but she doesn't know what else to say.]

But you could stay here. You don't have to go back.

[orderfromchaos]

I do. I mean - I've got. Responsibilities and stuff.

[But he has options too, maybe.]

S'not like I have to worry about it right away. It's just. A hell of a thing to get confirmed, you know.

[tucky]

I don't... know how I can make you feel better. I probably can't. But if there's anything I can do at all, I'll do it.

[orderfromchaos]

You are helping.

[A little extra hug-squeeze.]

[tucky]

Good.

[And she is genuinely touched to hear that.]

I'll help for as long as you want.

[orderfromchaos]

[He sighs, and sort of pulls her to nestle down again.]

You're a good friend. Even if you couldn't beat extra-dimensional lava demons or whatever on your first try.

[He pokes her lightly in the stomach. You dork. Very few people could.]

[tucky]

[She goes willingly, curling close and perching her chin on the top of his head.]

Next time. Next time, I will.

You're a good friend too, Dillon.