IC contact for lastvoyages

[tucky]

[If I don't have an active post up, feel free to use this post to have your character call, videochat, text, or knock on Tiffany's door.]

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[tucky]

[After leaving Simon's cabin, Tiffany high-tails it back to her own. She's a whirlwind of emotions: everything from her ordeal with Sylvanas, which she hasn't even come close to fully dealing with yet; the powers and inmate rights debates, which she'd accidentally sparked off and then almost immediately felt completely overwhelmed by; and now this.

She enters her cabin, shuts the door behind her, and leans against it, closing her eyes and sliding down to the floor. She's not crying, but she thinks she's probably close to it.]

Fuck.

[gulosity]

[Lourdes is on the bed. When she hears Tiffany come in, she jumps up and speeds to her side, stopping just short of reaching out to touch her.]

. . . Tiffany? What's going on?

[tucky]

I...

[She sighs; shakes her head.]

I just don't got any idea what I'm doing, Lourdes.

[gulosity]

. . . You seem like you do.

[This is only 25% a lie.]

[tucky]

I don't feel like I do. And I don't act like I do; I mess things up all the time.

Sometimes I feel bad that I'm the one who got to you first, 'cause if I hadn't you'd probably have... I don't know, Iris or somebody, and she's better than me at everything, and you'd be happier. Wouldn't you be happier if you could go to someone who wasn't me? I ain't fishing for compliments or nothing - I just wonder, would your life end up being better if I wasn't here?

[gulosity]

[She goes pale, the bags under her eyes standing out in stark contrast. She's leaving, she thinks; someone else is leaving me.]

[There's nothing to say. She just turns away, head bowed.]

[tucky]

[Tiffany's heart sinks. Lourdes wants to say yes, she thinks; she wants to say that her life would be better without Tiffany around. She lets out a little sigh, and slumps further against the wall.]

It's okay, you can say it. I... I know I deserve to hear it. You had to find my body. I made things worse for you.

I'm so sorry, Lourdes; I am. I don't know if I can ever fix it, but if I can do anything, I want to try. ... If you want me to. I don't blame you if you don't.

[gulosity]

Shut up, Tiffany.

[Her lips are tight, tears welling in the corners of her eyes.]

Just go. Just go already.

[tucky]

... I don't want to go.

Do you want me to go? Was it that bad?

[gulosity]

You said my life would be better if you weren't here. You're just full of excuses like everybody else. I don't know what the hell I expected.

[tucky]

[Tiffany just blinks, confused - and then it clicks.]

Oh fuck, no. No.

[And all at once, she pulls herself together, because she has to. Self-pity and fear need to be on hold for right now.]

That's not what I meant. Shit, Lourdes, I'm sorry; that ain't it at all. I just… I had a big fight with one of my really close friends just now. We might not be friends anymore, and I’m sad and mad and feeling sorry for myself and so I said it wrong, okay? I’m not going anywhere, I promise. I just worry so much about making your life worse. I worry about making everybody’s lives worse, ‘cause I do sometimes. I made his worse.

[She blinks back tears of her own at that, then barrels on, reaching out to touch Lourdes's shoulder.]

But I'm not-- I won't--

... Can you look at me for a second?

[gulosity]

[She wrenches out of Tiffany's grip, eyes stinging - doesn't look at her, can't, she's too upset, too broken-down. Too fucking betrayed, as usual.]

Why? What does it matter? I don't believe you.

[tucky]

... Okay. You don't have to.

But I ain't going anywhere. Sylvanas could kill me every single fucking day, and the whole Barge could think I’m the most useless person here, and I still would not leave you. Okay?

[She's crying herself now, just a little.]

You matter. You matter so much.

[gulosity]

[It hurts, hearing Tiffany say that, because she wants to believe it so much, but she knows it's not true. Her shoulders shake, but she still doesn't let tears fall.]

Whatever, Tiffany.

[tucky]

[She tries again, reaching out to lightly touch her elbow. She'll always keep trying.]

Lourdes, you know me. I wouldn't lie to you.

[gulosity]

It feels like you're lying right now.

[Her guard's up again, her walls raised. It feels like everything she's worked to build in the last few weeks has been destroyed in one fell swoop.]

[tucky]

Then I guess I'm gonna have to prove I'm not.

Can I give you a hug right now? Please.

[gulosity]

[She doesn't want to say yes. She doesn't want to. But she turns anyway, into Tiffany's arms, burying her face in her shoulder. Hates herself for it, but does it anyway.]

[tucky]

[Tiffany needs to be held too, honestly. She melts against Lourdes at the same time as she hugs her strongly and fiercely - resting her chin on her shoulder, whispering just loud enough to be heard.]

I been saying a lot of things wrong lately, is all. That was just one of those things. I didn't mean it how it sounded.

And I love you so much. That don't feel like I'm lying, does it?

[gulosity]

. . . No.

[She sniffs, blinks, sighs. A few tears fall onto Tiffany's shoulder.]

That sounds like the truth.

[tucky]

Good.

I admire you a lot, you know? Since the shit with Sylvanas you have always been there for me - more than anybody else, even. I don't think I could've been as strong and brave as you are. I know I couldn't've, 'cause I'm really struggling a lot right now.

But I wish I could show you how I feel, and how I'm telling the truth. And how I am so sad that you're used to people leaving and letting you down.

[gulosity]

. . . I just don't trust it.

[Don't trust you. She doesn't say it. It would feel a little bit like a lie.]

I want to hurt her, you know.

[tucky]

I know. I know you do.

What happened to you, Lourdes? You don't have to say. But if you want to tell, I will listen, and I will love you no matter what.

[gulosity]

I already told you so much.

[It feels like she's turned herself inside out with how much she's told Tiffany.]

[tucky]

And I didn't hate you or leave you, right?

... You know, I gotta show you my file someday. I can't believe I never gave it to you yet. Never came up, I guess.