♻ 015 | video

[tucky]

[The rips had closed up days ago, but Tiffany doesn't trust that right away - people were still missing and there was clearly something weird going on down at the port, so she refrains from acting like everything is over and done with yet. When people start appearing back on the ship, however, she tentatively lets herself start to believe that things really are winding down... which leads to another problem, for her.]

So, uh… during all that, I had some trouble, and Mason took my soul out of my body for a little bit, so I wouldn't be in pain and couldn't get hurt. He was great, by the way; a fucking badass - strong and brave and fighting monsters. He saved my life. He was a hero.

Y'all tell him that the next time you see him, okay?

[He revels in compliments and praise the same way she does; she has a feeling he'll like it.

And it’s so, so tempting to just focus on that and end the post right there - to do something similar to what she did after the jaeger breach and just gush about how so many people had helped her, and how nice it feels to know she has them in her corner. To just ignore the uncomfortable parts in favor of the good.

But it wouldn’t work as well the second time, and for once, she isn’t sure she’d want it to.]

But when I was out of myself, I tried to go inside a monster, and it-- I didn't really do it, but I almost did, and I felt its soul. It was the worst thing I have ever felt in my life; it was worse than dying in my dreams during that flood. It felt evil, and now my soul feels tainted.

[It isn't, really - luckily for her, any aftereffects from the experience are all in her head.]

I died a lot and then I did that, and I'm worried my soul is turning bad because of it. I don't got any real evidence, so it might not be, but... I think I would appreciate it if someone could check, or try to do an exorcism on me. Just in case.

[She smiles a twitchy smile that doesn't reach her eyes.]

I ain't panicking this time, like I did before. But if there's something wrong with me, I wanna get it fixed.

Thanks.

[filtered to Simon]

... Hey, Simon. Hi.

[filtered to Cambridge]

Maybe when we do our next therapy meeting, we can talk about this? About dying and stuff. I don’t…

I don't think I’m handling it too well.

[filtered to Ricki]

Can I talk to you?

[warden filter]

Comments

[video; warden filter]

[tucky]

[So as you can see, Cambridge, she was in fact not lying in her filter to you.]

Yeah, well. Wardens cause this mess, if you think about it.

[video; warden filter]

[chaotica]

Inmates caused this mess. Wardens failed to stop it, bearing some responsibility, but, in the end, the act falls on the perpetrator.

[video; warden filter]

[tucky]

Not all inmates. I didn't cause it; I ain't a perpetrator.

[video; warden filter]

[chaotica]

I know. I don't believe you'd ever put this ship in danger, not willingly.

[ private ]

And yes, we can talk about whatever you'd like.

[video; warden filter]

[tucky]

I would put Arthas in danger.

[private]

... Thanks.

'Cause it was bad.

[private video; warden filter]

[chaotica]

Arthas is a singular bastard, but I'm not his judge or his jury.

[private video; warden filter]

[tucky]

You're a warden, even if you ain't his warden. You could be his judge.

[private video; warden filter]

[chaotica]

If I started that, I could become a tyrant overnight.

[private video; warden filter]

[tucky]

Well, right now he's being the tyrant, and I think you'd do a better job than him.

[private video; warden filter]

[chaotica]

Absolutely not.

[private video; warden filter]

[tucky]

Or how about Arthas is taken down and nobody is the tyrant?

[private video; warden filter]

[chaotica]

And so he hates the Barge more, and plans for next time?

[private video; warden filter]

[tucky]

So he's just not gonna get punished at all?

[private video; warden filter]

[chaotica]

Not by me.

Except with more sessions.

[private video; warden filter]

[tucky]

By other people, then. I hope.

Dr. Cambridge, I'm sick of dying and I'm sick of seeing the people I love die. It's infecting my soul.

[private video; warden filter]

[chaotica]

I can't lie to you, Tiffany. It does that. It hurts.

[private video; warden filter]

[tucky]

Is getting better from it possible at all?

[private video; warden filter]

[chaotica]

Getting better from loving people? From caring about them?

Yes. But I sincerely hope you do not.

[private video; warden filter]

[tucky]

I mean getting better from feeling terrible.

I don't wanna stop loving people. I think... I got a lot of hate in me, but I got a lot of love, too.

[private video; warden filter]

[chaotica]

Love is the way you get better. As cliche as it bloody sounds.

[private video; warden filter]

[tucky]

It don't sound cliche, it sounds nice.

You know, Iris told me she loves me? And I was so happy to hear that. I been getting better about what you said - about not just liking myself because of what other people say about me. But sometimes when I'm feeling bad I remember that she said that, and I feel a little better.

[private video; warden filter]

[chaotica]

Something a bit different about it, isn't there? Compliments are one thing; love means you care even when you don't particular like someone. Love shows us that it's all right to be flawed.

[private video; warden filter]

[tucky]

Do you think she doesn't particularly like me?

[private video; warden filter]

[chaotica]

That's not what I said.

Don't you get annoyed with people, sometimes? Even your best friends.

[private video; warden filter]

[tucky]

Yup. I definitely do that.

I see what you mean.