tucky | ♻ 015

Entry tags:

♻ 015 | video

[The rips had closed up days ago, but Tiffany doesn't trust that right away - people were still missing and there was clearly something weird going on down at the port, so she refrains from acting like everything is over and done with yet. When people start appearing back on the ship, however, she tentatively lets herself start to believe that things really are winding down... which leads to another problem, for her.]

So, uh… during all that, I had some trouble, and Mason took my soul out of my body for a little bit, so I wouldn't be in pain and couldn't get hurt. He was great, by the way; a fucking badass - strong and brave and fighting monsters. He saved my life. He was a hero.

Y'all tell him that the next time you see him, okay?

[He revels in compliments and praise the same way she does; she has a feeling he'll like it.

And it’s so, so tempting to just focus on that and end the post right there - to do something similar to what she did after the jaeger breach and just gush about how so many people had helped her, and how nice it feels to know she has them in her corner. To just ignore the uncomfortable parts in favor of the good.

But it wouldn’t work as well the second time, and for once, she isn’t sure she’d want it to.]

But when I was out of myself, I tried to go inside a monster, and it-- I didn't really do it, but I almost did, and I felt its soul. It was the worst thing I have ever felt in my life; it was worse than dying in my dreams during that flood. It felt evil, and now my soul feels tainted.

[It isn't, really - luckily for her, any aftereffects from the experience are all in her head.]

I died a lot and then I did that, and I'm worried my soul is turning bad because of it. I don't got any real evidence, so it might not be, but... I think I would appreciate it if someone could check, or try to do an exorcism on me. Just in case.

[She smiles a twitchy smile that doesn't reach her eyes.]

I ain't panicking this time, like I did before. But if there's something wrong with me, I wanna get it fixed.

Thanks.

[filtered to Simon]

... Hey, Simon. Hi.

[filtered to Cambridge]

Maybe when we do our next therapy meeting, we can talk about this? About dying and stuff. I don’t…

I don't think I’m handling it too well.

[filtered to Ricki]

Can I talk to you?

[warden filter]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

But you don't know what happened after.

That's just what we were gonna be - like partners, like a team. But I let him down.

No, sweetheart. [She doesn't use terms like that often; it feels cloying, most of the time. But right now - ] Sometimes - you just can't achieve what you want to. Sometimes you fall. Sometimes you can't protect the people you love.

What matters is what happens afterwards.

Edited 2015-04-20 19:52 (UTC)

Barbara, he's my best inmate friend. I-- I might be kind of in love with him, you know, a little bit. And I saw him get ripped into and heard him screaming and it was different from seeing Merlin die in that breach, but that wasn't really Merlin but this was really Mason. It was more real. And it was my fault, I think.

Maybe it's not supposed to matter, but it does anyway.

[She shudders, a little, because she has too many memories like that. She's seen the people she loves broken and bleeding so many times.] I understand. I don't think it was your fault, but that - that doesn't always help.

But I really doubt he thinks you failed him.

No. He's too nice to me to think that.

Maybe you should be nicer to yourself. [The words are a bit lighter, a bit rueful, but her tone shifts back when she speaks again.] That's part of it, you know. Letting go of guilt, of what ifs.

You didn't hear him scream. Or see the way he looked at me like he was saying "it's all gonna be all right" - before he got--

[She smacks her hands together, hard.]

[She could stop the wince, but she doesn't. She wants Tiffany to know she gets it, how horrifying it is.] No, I wan't. But - [another breath, deep and trembling] I've seen Iris die, more than once. I've held her corpse in my arms.

Edited 2015-04-20 20:20 (UTC)

I can't imagine Iris dying.

That sounds awful. I love Iris, and I think you do too, right?

Yeah. [The words breaks, a little bit, and she realises her eyes are burning.] Yeah, I do. She's - being with her is like feeling the sun on your face after spending a month in a cave.

It is.

[She sounds impressed that Barbara could sum her up so succinctly and accurately.]

I never met anyone like her before in my life.

She's amazing. [She's smiling, now, even as the tears fall.] I'm - being with her has made me so much better. Happier. And every time she gets hurt, it feels like someone tore my heart out. And I hate myself a little for not stopping it, even if there's no way I could have.

That's how I feel about what happened to Mason right now. And it's how I'd feel if Iris got hurt.

It's how we feel about the people we love, huh?

Yeah, it is. [She lifts her hand to rest it on Tiffany's shoulder, light and gentle.] It's something we've got to live with. Together.

Edited 2015-04-20 20:37 (UTC)

[This time, she doesn't ignore it; she leans towards Barbara.]

There was a Bible verse I wrote down a couple weeks ago. I been thinking about it a lot lately.

Yeah? [There's a bit of teacher's pride mixed in with the gentle concern.] Which one?

[The paper it's written on it still sitting on the nightstand, from when she'd pulled it out for Ricki earlier; now she picks it up again and reads.]

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

I copied it out when I was feeling sad about Mason not returning my feelings for him. Then I thought about it again when Venus was telling me we all have to take care of each other here, not just wardens but inmates too. And now you're making me think about it.

It applies to lots of situations.

...Yeah, it really does. [There's a warm delight in her voice, as she smiles up at Tiffany.] Those are pretty good words to live by, I think.

[The smile fades, a little, as she goes on.] It's easy to get sidetracked. By rage, and vengeance, and bitterness.

... I know.

I'm still angry, and I still don't feel that great, but I'm sorry. I wasn't really gonna try to keep your gun.

I figured. [The smile brightens, again.] I meant that, though, about when you graduate. We can practice at the range, if you want.

I've shot a gun before. Not this kind, though.

... You ever seen my file?

Practice makes perfect.

[Her eyes widen, a bit, before she shakes her head.] No.

... You ever hear that I shot someone?

Nope. [Her eyebrows arch.] Good reason or bad?

She said something nasty to me.

That's a bad reason, isn't it?

spam

spam

spam

spam

spam

spam

spam

spam

spam

spam

spam

spam

spam

spam

spam

spam

spam

spam

spam

spam

spam

spam

spam

spam

spam