♻ 016 | audio

[tucky]

You know, I been wondering. If a girl gets pregnant and kills the baby, how many of y'all consider that murder? It's a real... hot-button issue where I come from, I guess; it's a big deal. There's people who feel so strongly about it that they believe the ones who actually do it - the doctors and stuff, and the people who work for 'em - deserve to die too. And it happens. People will go in and kill somebody like that, and other people will celebrate.

But then there's other people who say it ain't bad at all, 'cause we got rights to our own bodies and nobody should try and take that away. That's sexual liberation, and it's the same thing that says girls should be able to have a lot of sex and not get called sluts and whores. I always liked that part, at least, 'cause I been called those things before and it makes you feel dirty and small. But I knew guys who had way more sex than I did, and they never got called shit. Ever notice that? It's weird, how that happens.

And then there's the whole issue with condoms - which I use now, mostly, when I remember, so I don't need another lecture about that; don't worry. If you're gonna have sex, you're supposed to use 'em, or you end up with that problem I already talked about. But condoms are a real pain - they ain’t sexy or romantic or anything like that. You got to stop and put 'em on, and then you can feel 'em, and… I don’t know, I just like it better without. And I bet I ain't the only one.

It's confusing to think about; all of this is. But it's all tied together.

[warden filter]

I'm sorry for flipping the bird on the warden filter last week. I was mad and I'm still a little mad, but I think I do trust y'all, and I would like my actions not to be held against me. Please. Thank you.

Comments

[tucky]

You don't trust anybody, or love anybody? You know, I didn't have a lot of either of those things before I came here. My life wasn't too terrible, most of the time, but it's a lot better now, I think.

[sauntervaguelydownwards]

Yet somehow I'm doing fine.

[tucky]

And I still feel bad for you.

[sauntervaguelydownwards]

I don't need your pity.

[tucky]

Whatever.

[sauntervaguelydownwards]

Hey! Don't go doing that, there's nothing wrong with my life.

Well, except in God's eyes.

[tucky]

I didn't say wrong. It just sounds sad to me, is all.

And you still ain't right about God and gay people.

[sauntervaguelydownwards]

Not really. [Yes really.]

Yeah? Where's the evidence to the contrary?

[tucky]

I already told you. It's in the old laws that we don't have to follow.

[sauntervaguelydownwards]

And where does it say you don't?

[tucky]

In that part I told you about! Weren't you listening?

... I don't remember the chapter and verse, specifically. But it's in there.

[sauntervaguelydownwards]

Show me that part.

[tucky]

It's probably in the gospels.

[sauntervaguelydownwards]

If the Son said it, probably. I still want the chapter and verse.

[tucky]

I told you I don't know it.

[sauntervaguelydownwards]

And I'm meant to just take your and Dillon's word for it?

[tucky]

I thought you'd be happy to hear that God don't actually hate you.

[sauntervaguelydownwards]

It's a nice sentiment, sure.

[This is the only real point on which she's been completely wrong. God hates demons. He wouldn't have cast them out and forever withheld grace and forgiveness from them if He didn't.]

[tucky]

Do you want him to hate you or something?

[sauntervaguelydownwards]

[This is one of those questions he can't answer. Saying "yes" could out him, saying "no" could, potentially, end up getting him in trouble back home. He shrugs.]

Not my choice, is it? But I'm not going out of my way to make Him happy.

[tucky]

Got a grudge or something? Problems with God?

I've been through that myself.

[sauntervaguelydownwards]

Yeah?

[Private]

Over this stuff?

[private]

[tucky]

Over something that happened to me in prison. I thought God had abandoned me.

[private]

[sauntervaguelydownwards]

What happened? If you wanna say.

If not, I'll wait till you do.

[private]

[tucky]

Some of the other women there played a trick on me. They made me think I had been chosen by God to help and heal those around me, but really it was a big joke; they was all laughing at me behind my back. Then the guards found out I was trying to heal people, and they thought I was crazy, so they took me down and locked me up in psych, which is... it ain't a good place at all.

God let me go through all that, and so I thought he had left me. Back then I didn't know so much about how he worked; I didn't know he gave us hardships to make us stronger.