♻ 011 | audio

[tucky]

I got a question. Merlin--

[Nope, she can't do it that way. Just saying his name out loud makes her breath hitch, because even though it's just a name, it had represented something. She hadn't had to call him "Officer" or "Mister"-- he had let her call him by his given name, as if they were friends or equals. She'd thought they were friends and equals. But then he'd just told her that they weren't, and that he couldn't continue to let her think otherwise. He hadn't yelled or insulted her, but after months of being in awe over how friendly, open, and warm the wardens here were, his detached coldness had cut far worse than anger would have.

So she takes a breath and continues, her voice steady but her tone distant.]

My warden. He said he ain't gonna hang around with me so much anymore, 'cause he thinks I take advantage-- trying to get stuff, or being too friendly; I don't know. We've been real good friends in the past, I think, but he don't want that anymore. He wants to try a different way. He don't want to be my warden at all anymore, actually.

[She's trying hard to sound matter-of-fact, but in her head she's replaying every conversation she's had with or about Merlin-- every time she's given off the impression that he's overly permissive or generous, or allowed someone to believe that to be the case. With John when he'd first arrived (You want stuff? Ask the wardens.). With Mason in the infirmary (So you jus' give her everything she wants? Best of friends, you are?). While bickering with Dark (You get a warden to change your room yet? They're real nice if you're nice to them.). Countless more times besides.

It really had happened a lot.]

So I'm just wondering how that's gonna work out. Am I unpaired? Do I get someone new? Or is he gonna still be stuck with me even though he don't want me?

I got to thinking about the wardens in a way he didn't like, I guess; that's what he said the problem was. But the rest of you that I know don't seem like you mind it.

[Unless they're just humoring her. She doesn't think they are-- but then, she hadn't thought Merlin was, either.]

... Yeah. That's all.

[Click.]

[filtered to Dillon, Iris, Mason, and Simon]

Hi. Just wondering how y'all are doing.

[Behind the filter, she lets down her defenses a little bit more; she sounds not just subdued, but weary and sad. Merlin has removed himself from the little clique she's mentally formed for herself, and so she's reaching out to the remaining "members". Her warden's resounding rejection hurts, and she wants to reassure herself that none of the rest of them-- the wardens especially-- feel the way he does.]

Comments

[changeitroundsome]

Just peddle my wares for folk that need it. But that's not what's important. What's important is that I'd never get out of living a penniless existence. I could come outta here smellin' like roses and I'd still have to scrape by to eat every day.

[tucky]

If you graduated, you could be a warden and wish for a lot of money. That's what I might do.

[changeitroundsome]

[He...hasn't actually considered that possibility.]

...That's one way'a lookin' at it.

[tucky]

It's a good idea. I didn't have any money before, either.

[changeitroundsome]

And money is power. It's the only thing folk'll pay attention to.

[Then, bitterly: ] That and whatever colour your skin happens to be.

[tucky]

Yeah, but I've noticed it ain't like that here at all, so why don't you like it here?

[changeitroundsome]

Because I'm still expected to improve. That somehow who I am, ain't good enough.

[tucky]

Sounds to me like you're looking at it the wrong way.

[changeitroundsome]

[That gets a sardonic chuckle. ]

My warden keeps tellin' me that, too.

[tucky]

So listen.

[changeitroundsome]

Might be I choose not to. 'Less you haven't noticed, I'm stubborn.

[tucky]

Probably don't got much reason to complain, then.

You really don't like anything here? At all?

[changeitroundsome]

I like not being dead.

[tucky]

All us inmates are dead here.

[changeitroundsome]

Exactly. And I'm enjoying this temporary stay of execution.

[tucky]

You're gonna get to be alive again when you leave. It's not temporary.

[changeitroundsome]

Assuming I graduate.

[tucky]

[She just shrugs at that. She has no idea whether he ever will or not, after all, and she's not very inclined to try to reassure him.]

How many friends you got here? Not a lot, I guess?

[changeitroundsome]

[He wouldn't accept it from her if she did. ]

I don't make friends.

Mason's alright. [The one person he actually gives a shit about. ]

[tucky]

Yeah, well. That's the biggest understatement I have heard today.

[changeitroundsome]

What? That I don't make friends, or that Mason's alright?

[tucky]

Mason being all right. He's a lot more than all right.

I don't know anything about how you do or don't make friends.

[changeitroundsome]

No. You don't.

'Least we can agree on him.

[tucky]

Guess so. I can't say I get why he likes you so much, though.

[changeitroundsome]

You and me both. I expect he's too trustin'.