tucky | ♻ 011

I got a question. Merlin--

[Nope, she can't do it that way. Just saying his name out loud makes her breath hitch, because even though it's just a name, it had represented something. She hadn't had to call him "Officer" or "Mister"-- he had let her call him by his given name, as if they were friends or equals. She'd thought they were friends and equals. But then he'd just told her that they weren't, and that he couldn't continue to let her think otherwise. He hadn't yelled or insulted her, but after months of being in awe over how friendly, open, and warm the wardens here were, his detached coldness had cut far worse than anger would have.

So she takes a breath and continues, her voice steady but her tone distant.]

My warden. He said he ain't gonna hang around with me so much anymore, 'cause he thinks I take advantage-- trying to get stuff, or being too friendly; I don't know. We've been real good friends in the past, I think, but he don't want that anymore. He wants to try a different way. He don't want to be my warden at all anymore, actually.

[She's trying hard to sound matter-of-fact, but in her head she's replaying every conversation she's had with or about Merlin-- every time she's given off the impression that he's overly permissive or generous, or allowed someone to believe that to be the case. With John when he'd first arrived (You want stuff? Ask the wardens.). With Mason in the infirmary (So you jus' give her everything she wants? Best of friends, you are?). While bickering with Dark (You get a warden to change your room yet? They're real nice if you're nice to them.). Countless more times besides.

It really had happened a lot.]

So I'm just wondering how that's gonna work out. Am I unpaired? Do I get someone new? Or is he gonna still be stuck with me even though he don't want me?

I got to thinking about the wardens in a way he didn't like, I guess; that's what he said the problem was. But the rest of you that I know don't seem like you mind it.

[Unless they're just humoring her. She doesn't think they are-- but then, she hadn't thought Merlin was, either.]

... Yeah. That's all.

[Click.]

[filtered to Dillon, Iris, Mason, and Simon]

Hi. Just wondering how y'all are doing.

[Behind the filter, she lets down her defenses a little bit more; she sounds not just subdued, but weary and sad. Merlin has removed himself from the little clique she's mentally formed for herself, and so she's reaching out to the remaining "members". Her warden's resounding rejection hurts, and she wants to reassure herself that none of the rest of them-- the wardens especially-- feel the way he does.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I don't know... But the only difference is the file and the deal, anyway, right? Your friends can still help you graduate. You could even still graduate yourself.

[He ruffles her hair, smirks a little.]

So fuck him.

[She smiles shakily, but it doesn't reach her eyes.]

I have my file. A lot of people have looked at it.

But...

But what?

[He nods to the interior of the cabin -- should they sit?]

[There's only the bed and a chair as far as furniture goes, so she sinks down onto the mattress, pressing the heel of her hand to her eyes.]

Simon, he's-- he was--

[She doesn't know if it should be present or past tense.]

... Really, really important to me.

[He softens a little, sinking down into the chair, taking up his habitual position with his hands folded in his lap.]

I know, Tiffany. I do. And I'm sorry he betrayed you like this. People like him...

[He frowns, self-deprecating.]

Maybe I should have seen that coming. Protected you from it.

Could you have? How?

Warned you off, maybe. I've seen it before. I see it again and again.

People like him -- they're never going to see you as the same as them, as one of them. [He sneers.] They'll always think of you as less.

People like him?

The living. Those who have never experienced death, and those who reject the experience.

[A new category, now, for people like Dean and Kylar.]

[She sniffs and wipes her eyes.]

But-- he did experience it. During that breach.

[But he'd also said it wasn't real; said it wasn't really him.]

No -- he experienced pain. And through someone else's eyes, at that. You've been in pain before, Tiffany. Was that the same as dying?

No. But we died, didn't we? We got the death toll and everything. And I remember seeing him being killed.

We've died. You and I. We went through something that changed us. Changed our lives.

This so-called death toll... [He wrinkles his nose distastefully.] It's a penalty. Nothing else. That's not enough to make anyone understand what it's really like.

[She looks down at her lap, avoiding his eyes.]

The time during the breach was worse to me than the time at home. It hurt more. I was eaten; I wasn't just punched.

But you woke up in a bed back here, with your friends nearby, with some lingering pain and the rest of your world more or less the same, right?

The first time brought you here. To us. It set you on a new path entirely -- one you're still learning. If Merlin thinks he's only a guard for you, then no, he doesn't understand anything about it.

[She nods, slowly; that makes sense.]

Well, what about other people who haven't died like that? Iris? You think I should be warned about them?

[He hesitates. In his heart of hearts, he wants to give her an unequivocal yes, but he has to be careful with Iris: she's too closely tied to Mira for him to piss off too much just yet. He doesn't want her to get between them.]

I just think you should be careful, that's all. I don't want to see you keep getting hurt like this. I've gone through it too many times myself.

Does it always feel this bad?

[The answer, she's sure, is going to be yes.]

... I'll be more careful.

It always has for me. [He flashes her a wan, sad smile, leaning over to touch her shoulder lightly.]

But you know I'll always be here, right? No matter what.

[She gets up to go stand next to him, leaning her side against his shoulder.]

I do. I believe that.

Thank you.

♻ 011 | audio

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