♻ 011 | audio

[tucky]

I got a question. Merlin--

[Nope, she can't do it that way. Just saying his name out loud makes her breath hitch, because even though it's just a name, it had represented something. She hadn't had to call him "Officer" or "Mister"-- he had let her call him by his given name, as if they were friends or equals. She'd thought they were friends and equals. But then he'd just told her that they weren't, and that he couldn't continue to let her think otherwise. He hadn't yelled or insulted her, but after months of being in awe over how friendly, open, and warm the wardens here were, his detached coldness had cut far worse than anger would have.

So she takes a breath and continues, her voice steady but her tone distant.]

My warden. He said he ain't gonna hang around with me so much anymore, 'cause he thinks I take advantage-- trying to get stuff, or being too friendly; I don't know. We've been real good friends in the past, I think, but he don't want that anymore. He wants to try a different way. He don't want to be my warden at all anymore, actually.

[She's trying hard to sound matter-of-fact, but in her head she's replaying every conversation she's had with or about Merlin-- every time she's given off the impression that he's overly permissive or generous, or allowed someone to believe that to be the case. With John when he'd first arrived (You want stuff? Ask the wardens.). With Mason in the infirmary (So you jus' give her everything she wants? Best of friends, you are?). While bickering with Dark (You get a warden to change your room yet? They're real nice if you're nice to them.). Countless more times besides.

It really had happened a lot.]

So I'm just wondering how that's gonna work out. Am I unpaired? Do I get someone new? Or is he gonna still be stuck with me even though he don't want me?

I got to thinking about the wardens in a way he didn't like, I guess; that's what he said the problem was. But the rest of you that I know don't seem like you mind it.

[Unless they're just humoring her. She doesn't think they are-- but then, she hadn't thought Merlin was, either.]

... Yeah. That's all.

[Click.]

[filtered to Dillon, Iris, Mason, and Simon]

Hi. Just wondering how y'all are doing.

[Behind the filter, she lets down her defenses a little bit more; she sounds not just subdued, but weary and sad. Merlin has removed himself from the little clique she's mentally formed for herself, and so she's reaching out to the remaining "members". Her warden's resounding rejection hurts, and she wants to reassure herself that none of the rest of them-- the wardens especially-- feel the way he does.]

Comments

[tucky]

[Yes, she is. Very, very bothered.]

It don't really matter whether I am or not, does it.

[youwillgotohell]

Of course it does.

[tucky]

It's not gonna change anything.

[youwillgotohell]

You should tell him if he's upset you.

[tucky]

I don't think we're gonna be talking much anymore, actually.

[youwillgotohell]

Only the Admiral can end pairings. [and there's no way she believes Merlin not wanting to be her warden: he has, she'd assume, too much riding on his deal.]

[tucky]

So you think I should try to force him to want to be my warden again? He'd probably just lock me up so he wouldn't have to deal with me.

[youwillgotohell]

As stupid as I think he's been in the past, he isn't that stupid.

[She does not know why she's defending him. She doesn't know why she hasn't just walked away from this either. It's tempting.]

All I think is this seems absurd.

[tucky]

Maybe he's just not who we thought he was, that's all. It ain't like he's bad. He's just... not the type to be friends with inmates.

But I thought he was. He said he was.

[youwillgotohell]

I knew him at home, I doubt he's changed that much.

[tucky]

Was he really different at home?

[youwillgotohell]

Yes. I mean - not exactly, but this--

...It's difficult to explain.

[tucky]

I guess being here changed him.

[youwillgotohell]

[Her instinct is to disagree, but then, the Barge changed her.

Still, she lets out a dissatisfied breath.]

So quickly? He hasn't been here that long.

[tucky]

It changed me, and we've been here for about the same time.

[But Tiffany is Miss Impressionable, and Merlin isn't.]

[youwillgotohell]

[Morgana doesn't know Tiffany well enough to be certain of that, and it's less that she has her suspicions than she knows that Merlin can by the most infuriatingly stubborn person in the world.

But she can only argue his kindness for so long with proof of otherwise clear in her face.]

I suppose you could be right.

[tucky]

Yeah.

But if I weren't, it'd... it'd be nice. I hope I'm not.

[youwillgotohell]

So do I. [It's a little rueful, but more honest than she expected.]

[tucky]

... Iris and Mason want to hit him.

[youwillgotohell]

I felt that way most of the time I knew him.

[tucky]

Really? Why?

[youwillgotohell]

It's....complicated.

Has he told you anything? About Camelot?

[tucky]

No, not much at all.

[youwillgotohell]

[It makes her hesitate. It's not just her story, not anymore.]

I thought....that he was my enemy. For a very long time.

[tucky]

What did he do?