♻ 005 | video/text

[tucky]

[Even with the flood over, Tiffany is clearly not well: she's exhausted, broken down, and subdued. Half of her wants to climb into bed and sleep forever; the other half of her is still screaming that she should never sleep again.

But before she does either, she has one public message and several private messages to send.]

If those were really real, I guess there was only one dream about me, because I only... died once. It was at night, out in the snow, and it was cold; there was a prissy-looking blonde lady. I went after her and then she came after me.

Anyone get that one?

[She's not crazy about the idea of people dreaming her life, but if they did, she wants to know about it.]

[warden filter]

I just wanted to say, you don't got to worry about me hurting people anymore. I got it all outta my system.

[She doesn't think about the fact that some (or even most) of the people she's addressing might not have any idea what she's talking about. She just assumes that since they're all wardens, they share most of their information.]

I didn't even do it 'cause I was mad this time; I did it because I thought it was what I was supposed to do. Sometimes… sometimes I look for messages from God too much.

[She offers a wan little smile, clearly forced.]

That guy is a real demon, though; I don't know if y'all know that. He admitted it to me himself. But I know God didn't actually tell me to kill him. I know. Maybe He didn't even tell me to kill that woman back in Litchfield, neither. I've been thinking about that, and...

[... And that's kind of off-topic. She trails off.]

So I won't do it again. No more killing for God.

[Probably. Maybe. She does genuinely mean it when she says that, but that doesn't mean that she won't change her mind later... or that she won't attack someone for completely different reasons, the way she did at least once before she found religion.

Now, though, she just shakes her head, looking down at her hands.]

It didn't even work, anyway. Nothing worked. The dreams stayed.

[filtered to Anya and the Admiral]

I broke the bed. I'm real sorry.

[And she does look sorry. In fact, she looks far more guilty when she talks about this than she looked when she talked about trying to murder Vergil. Her cabin's bed is one of the nicest things anyone has ever given her, and yet she purposefully damaged it. She's practically in tears.]

I understand if you're mad at me, but it weren't because I didn't appreciate it. I was-- I was having a lot of problems, and I needed something sharp, so I took a piece of wood off the headboard. But it still looks real nice; it's just a little banged up, is all. If I can sand it down I can fix it some, maybe.

I still love it, and I don't want you to think I don't. That's all.

[filtered to Barbara, Dillon, Duke, Horatio, Iris, Mason, Merlin, Simon, and Tig]

"May the Lord now show you kindness and faithfulness, and I too will show you the same favor because you have done this." Samuel 2:6.

[filtered to Mason and Tig]

Especially you, 'cause you ain't wardens and it weren't your job to try and help me, but you did it anyway. Thank you.

[OOC: Permissions post for this character!]

Comments

[tucky]

I don't think he can.

[takeyouapart]

Whether or not he can is his problem. Your problem is that you tried to kill someone and you had no reason to.

[tucky]

I'm sorry I did it, but I did have a reason.

[takeyouapart]

A reason that you've now said was futile.

[So no reason, then.]

[tucky]

Well... yeah. Yeah, it was.

I should've tried to exorcise him instead.

[takeyouapart]

Tiffany...

[He puts his plate to one side. He's not eaten half his breakfast, but he can't even bear looking at it.]

I think what happened to us this week was awful. I don't believe you were in your right mind when you chose to do what you did. But nothing would have ended the flood, and that is what you should have done.

[tucky]

Just waited, you mean? I should have waited?

[takeyouapart]

Yes.

[He leans forward, laces his fingers together, gazing into middle distance.]

The floods here are...like the weather. It happens, and sometimes it's terrible, and then it ends. What you did was like trying to kill someone to end a storm. Their life or death won't change the weather. They have nothing to do with one another.

[tucky]

I know that now. It didn't work, like I said.

[Unfortunately, she's still stuck on "but he's a deeeeemon".]

[takeyouapart]

[Long-term project, that. Sigh.]

No. And nothing would have done.

[Merlin exhales slowly. It's not that he's running out of patience with her, he's just so damned tired. He summons up a smile for her.]

Like I said before. This week was terrible, but you ought to try being the one to walk away. Just to know what it's like.

[tucky]

Next time, I will. I promise.

[takeyouapart]

Thank you.

[He squeezes her shoulder.]

I'm not angry with you. I just want you to make choices that make things better for you.

[tucky]

But you said there wasn't anything I could've done.

[takeyouapart]

And doing nothing is a choice you make.

[tucky]

... Okay.

Okay, next time I'll do nothing.

[takeyouapart]

If you feel it's the right thing to do.

[He can already foresee some scenario where any reasonable person would see a right to defend themselves.]

[tucky]

Wait.

But what if I don't? How do I know when I'm allowed to do something or not?

[takeyouapart]

Tiffany, this isn't about 'allowed' or 'not allowed'. I could sit here and write a list of what I want you to do and not do and I think you'd follow it, because I'm your Warden. But how would you learn anything from that?

[tucky]

But how do I learn if I don't know what to do?

[takeyouapart]

[How do you build a sense of right and wrong from the ground up? Better men than him have spent their entire lives throwing themselves against this question, he's sure.]

You learn from experience. Take what happened this week. You tried to kill someone, not in self-defence, not because he would have killed you otherwise - because you thought it would end the flood. It didn't work. So now you know that wasn't the right thing to do.

[tucky]

Well, uh... what if next time is different and it is the right thing to do?

[takeyouapart]

Then you do what you feel is right. And either it'll help, or it won't, and you learn from that too.

[tucky]

That just sounds... real complicated, is all.

[takeyouapart]

It is. Sometimes you do the right thing, sometimes you do the wrong thing and think It's the right thing, and sometimes you're so afraid of doing the wrong thing that you do nothing and that's even worse than the wrong thing would have been.

[He fidgets with his sleeves.]

It's complicated, and it's hard, and I don't expect you not to make mistakes. I just want you to learn from them.

[tucky]

What if every situation's different? That happens, right?