♻ 005 | video/text

[tucky]

[Even with the flood over, Tiffany is clearly not well: she's exhausted, broken down, and subdued. Half of her wants to climb into bed and sleep forever; the other half of her is still screaming that she should never sleep again.

But before she does either, she has one public message and several private messages to send.]

If those were really real, I guess there was only one dream about me, because I only... died once. It was at night, out in the snow, and it was cold; there was a prissy-looking blonde lady. I went after her and then she came after me.

Anyone get that one?

[She's not crazy about the idea of people dreaming her life, but if they did, she wants to know about it.]

[warden filter]

I just wanted to say, you don't got to worry about me hurting people anymore. I got it all outta my system.

[She doesn't think about the fact that some (or even most) of the people she's addressing might not have any idea what she's talking about. She just assumes that since they're all wardens, they share most of their information.]

I didn't even do it 'cause I was mad this time; I did it because I thought it was what I was supposed to do. Sometimes… sometimes I look for messages from God too much.

[She offers a wan little smile, clearly forced.]

That guy is a real demon, though; I don't know if y'all know that. He admitted it to me himself. But I know God didn't actually tell me to kill him. I know. Maybe He didn't even tell me to kill that woman back in Litchfield, neither. I've been thinking about that, and...

[... And that's kind of off-topic. She trails off.]

So I won't do it again. No more killing for God.

[Probably. Maybe. She does genuinely mean it when she says that, but that doesn't mean that she won't change her mind later... or that she won't attack someone for completely different reasons, the way she did at least once before she found religion.

Now, though, she just shakes her head, looking down at her hands.]

It didn't even work, anyway. Nothing worked. The dreams stayed.

[filtered to Anya and the Admiral]

I broke the bed. I'm real sorry.

[And she does look sorry. In fact, she looks far more guilty when she talks about this than she looked when she talked about trying to murder Vergil. Her cabin's bed is one of the nicest things anyone has ever given her, and yet she purposefully damaged it. She's practically in tears.]

I understand if you're mad at me, but it weren't because I didn't appreciate it. I was-- I was having a lot of problems, and I needed something sharp, so I took a piece of wood off the headboard. But it still looks real nice; it's just a little banged up, is all. If I can sand it down I can fix it some, maybe.

I still love it, and I don't want you to think I don't. That's all.

[filtered to Barbara, Dillon, Duke, Horatio, Iris, Mason, Merlin, Simon, and Tig]

"May the Lord now show you kindness and faithfulness, and I too will show you the same favor because you have done this." Samuel 2:6.

[filtered to Mason and Tig]

Especially you, 'cause you ain't wardens and it weren't your job to try and help me, but you did it anyway. Thank you.

[OOC: Permissions post for this character!]

Comments

[takeyouapart]

Yes. Often. But over time you learn rules, and those rules can apply to any situation.

[She's so...lost. He can't just cast her completely adrift and expect her to find her way. Or rather, he could, but it would be cruel.]

....for instance. When I have to make a hard decision, I try to ask myself who would be helped by taking the choices I have available to me, and who might be hurt. And then I try to do what will help the most people and hurt the fewest.

[tucky]

What about what helps you? Ain't that important too?

[takeyouapart]

[Merlin falters. In his experience? No, it's not. What helps him takes the absolute lowest priority.]

Yes. Of course. But I wouldn't do anything to help myself if doing it hurt others.

[tucky]

What if it helps you a lot and only hurts them a little bit? Or the other way around. What do you do then?

[takeyouapart]

I wouldn't hurt someone else if I was the only person who would benefit from it. That's the choice I try to make.

[The reverse question - what would he do if hurting himself a lot only helped someone else a little - goes neglected. Because he knows what he'd do, and he knows he's not a good role model.]

[tucky]

Okay.

What about if it hurts you a little and helps someone else a lot? What do you do then? Do you do it, to be nice?

[takeyouapart]

[He exhales slowly.]

I would do it. But I would never say that you should try to do what I do or choose what I choose. Everyone has a right to protect themselves.

[tucky]

I just don't... think about that stuff. I don't know.

[takeyouapart]

It's alright. [He smiles faintly.] This is a bit much to be talking about after we've gone nearly a week without a decent night's sleep.

[tucky]

Yeah.

[She massages her temples.]

But I still don't want to sleep. I feel like I need to stay awake.

[She doesn't trust the nightmares not to come back.]

[takeyouapart]

Probably for the best. If you sleep all day today you won't be able to sleep at night.

[He glances sidelong at her.]

Anything you'd like to do that I can help with?

[tucky]

Yeah.

Can you stay in here for a little bit?

[takeyouapart]

[He tilts his head.]

Why?

[tucky]

[She shrugs.]

I just don't want to be on my own, that's all.

[takeyouapart]

Tiffany. [He squeezes her shoulder again, but this time he leaves his hand where it rests.] I won't leave your side, at all, for as long as you need me.

[tucky]

[She leans forward and flops her head against his shoulder, not saying anything more.]

[takeyouapart]

[Merlin just holds her alongside him, gently, carefully, providing something solid for her to lean against. He'll stay with her until she wants to go, and when she does, he'll let her.]