tucky | ♻ 005 | video/text

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♻ 005 | video/text

[Even with the flood over, Tiffany is clearly not well: she's exhausted, broken down, and subdued. Half of her wants to climb into bed and sleep forever; the other half of her is still screaming that she should never sleep again.

But before she does either, she has one public message and several private messages to send.]

If those were really real, I guess there was only one dream about me, because I only... died once. It was at night, out in the snow, and it was cold; there was a prissy-looking blonde lady. I went after her and then she came after me.

Anyone get that one?

[She's not crazy about the idea of people dreaming her life, but if they did, she wants to know about it.]

[warden filter]

I just wanted to say, you don't got to worry about me hurting people anymore. I got it all outta my system.

[She doesn't think about the fact that some (or even most) of the people she's addressing might not have any idea what she's talking about. She just assumes that since they're all wardens, they share most of their information.]

I didn't even do it 'cause I was mad this time; I did it because I thought it was what I was supposed to do. Sometimes… sometimes I look for messages from God too much.

[She offers a wan little smile, clearly forced.]

That guy is a real demon, though; I don't know if y'all know that. He admitted it to me himself. But I know God didn't actually tell me to kill him. I know. Maybe He didn't even tell me to kill that woman back in Litchfield, neither. I've been thinking about that, and...

[... And that's kind of off-topic. She trails off.]

So I won't do it again. No more killing for God.

[Probably. Maybe. She does genuinely mean it when she says that, but that doesn't mean that she won't change her mind later... or that she won't attack someone for completely different reasons, the way she did at least once before she found religion.

Now, though, she just shakes her head, looking down at her hands.]

It didn't even work, anyway. Nothing worked. The dreams stayed.

[filtered to Anya and the Admiral]

I broke the bed. I'm real sorry.

[And she does look sorry. In fact, she looks far more guilty when she talks about this than she looked when she talked about trying to murder Vergil. Her cabin's bed is one of the nicest things anyone has ever given her, and yet she purposefully damaged it. She's practically in tears.]

I understand if you're mad at me, but it weren't because I didn't appreciate it. I was-- I was having a lot of problems, and I needed something sharp, so I took a piece of wood off the headboard. But it still looks real nice; it's just a little banged up, is all. If I can sand it down I can fix it some, maybe.

I still love it, and I don't want you to think I don't. That's all.

[filtered to Barbara, Dillon, Duke, Horatio, Iris, Mason, Merlin, Simon, and Tig]

"May the Lord now show you kindness and faithfulness, and I too will show you the same favor because you have done this." Samuel 2:6.

[filtered to Mason and Tig]

Especially you, 'cause you ain't wardens and it weren't your job to try and help me, but you did it anyway. Thank you.

[OOC: Permissions post for this character!]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I can't tell you that.

I...what I'd like is for you to be honest with me, because you trust that I'll use what I know to try and help you.

Okay. Well, I think it would help more if you could tell me, but I'm getting the sense that this is one of those things you want me to figure out for myself.

[Pause.]

At the beginning of that flood, one of the times when you were down at the infirmary, Mason came over and we ended up kissing. I was just wondering if that's allowed here.

[She's confident that Merlin isn't going to punish her for it, but she's used to a prison where pretty much all physical affection is technically disallowed, even simple hugs (not that people hadn't found ways to get around the rules, of course). She knows hugging is allowed here-- so many wardens, including Merlin himself, have hugged and held her-- but she isn't sure if more amorous activities among inmates are a different story.]

[He can't tell her because he doesn't know. It would be nice if she could work it out for herself but ultimately he knows it'll be a joint effort.

Then she goes on, and his eyebrows lift fractionally. This is the face of someone who's kissed one person in his entire life. Help.]

...I, ah. I don't think it's not allowed.

[You brought this on yourself, Merlin]

All right. Good to know.

[She's kind of amused by his awkwardness, and it shows.]

[Yes. Well. He tries to gather his composure.]

Thank you for asking. And...

[This feels like he's overstepping his bounds, but it's not as if he even knows where they are.]

Please take the precautions you need to take, should it get to be anything more.

What do you mean?

... Oh, you mean like condoms?

[She's used condoms like twice in her life.]

Yes.

[He's done enough reading by now, particularly since she told him about her imprisonment, to know what he's talking about.]

I don't know, there aren't a lot of people I'd want to have sex with here. You know, I think most of the guys are gay? And then there's some that are a lot older and some others that ain't even my type.

[He realises he's thinking 'thank God for that' in the same way that a parent might not want most men they know courting their daughter, even if those men are basically decent.]

Well, it's not compulsory.

You mean condoms aren't? Okay, good.

No, I mean it's not compulsory to - be intimate, that way.

[How is this his life now.]

Taking precautions if you do, that is compulsory. And I'm saying that as a physician, not your warden.

... Oh. I know; I know that. I don't think it's compulsory.

Alright.

[Now let's never speak of it again.]

Did you speak with Doctor Cambridge?

Yeah. It was good. We talked about Iris, and he said I need to have faith in myself.

[Merlin smiles.]

I'm glad it went well. Do you think you'll see him again?

Yeah, probably. He says he wants to keep meeting with me. Do you think I should?

Yes. [Which he only says because:] It sounds like you want to.

He said a lot of nice things to me. He said that if he asked Iris about things she liked about the Barge, I might be one of 'em.

[And then she pauses, because thinking about that makes her think about what he said right after, and something clicks.]

But... then I said he thinks I only feel valued when I'm a part of something big or when other people see me as important, so now that I think about it, maybe he only said that Iris thing to make a point.

Do you think he was right?

I think... I thought it was normal for people to want that stuff.

[Merlin knows that he's about to make himself a hypocrite. He tied his entire sense of worth to a man he failed, a man who's dead, and since then he considers it a good day if he has enough self-worth to be able to meet his own eye in the mirror.

Those days aren't getting any more frequent.]

It is. Everyone wants to be thought of well. But when you tie your value to other people that way, you give them power over you. You do what will please them, and you risk letting that cloud your judgement.

[Tiffany looks down at her plate, mulling this over.]

You think I do that a lot?

[He got hints of it around her explanation for why she killed a woman - an explanation that jarred with her alleged motive. It left him thinking he'd like to speak to her lawyer, for one thing.]

I can't know why you do the things you do. What do you think?

That ain't fair.

[She looks down.]

I don't spend a lot of time thinking about why, when it comes to me.

[Carefully:]

You're saying that like it bothers you.

[It's not something he can empathise with. If anything Merlin's problem is the opposite: he spends too long lingering over his motives, over what might come of his actions, and he's yet to find that that hesitancy often makes for better choices.]

♻ 005 | video/text

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