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♻ 005 | video/text
[Even with the flood over, Tiffany is clearly not well: she's exhausted, broken down, and subdued. Half of her wants to climb into bed and sleep forever; the other half of her is still screaming that she should never sleep again.
But before she does either, she has one public message and several private messages to send.]
If those were really real, I guess there was only one dream about me, because I only... died once. It was at night, out in the snow, and it was cold; there was a prissy-looking blonde lady. I went after her and then she came after me.
Anyone get that one?
[She's not crazy about the idea of people dreaming her life, but if they did, she wants to know about it.]
[warden filter]
I just wanted to say, you don't got to worry about me hurting people anymore. I got it all outta my system.
[She doesn't think about the fact that some (or even most) of the people she's addressing might not have any idea what she's talking about. She just assumes that since they're all wardens, they share most of their information.]
I didn't even do it 'cause I was mad this time; I did it because I thought it was what I was supposed to do. Sometimes… sometimes I look for messages from God too much.
[She offers a wan little smile, clearly forced.]
That guy is a real demon, though; I don't know if y'all know that. He admitted it to me himself. But I know God didn't actually tell me to kill him. I know. Maybe He didn't even tell me to kill that woman back in Litchfield, neither. I've been thinking about that, and...
[... And that's kind of off-topic. She trails off.]
So I won't do it again. No more killing for God.
[Probably. Maybe. She does genuinely mean it when she says that, but that doesn't mean that she won't change her mind later... or that she won't attack someone for completely different reasons, the way she did at least once before she found religion.
Now, though, she just shakes her head, looking down at her hands.]
It didn't even work, anyway. Nothing worked. The dreams stayed.
[filtered to Anya and the Admiral]
I broke the bed. I'm real sorry.
[And she does look sorry. In fact, she looks far more guilty when she talks about this than she looked when she talked about trying to murder Vergil. Her cabin's bed is one of the nicest things anyone has ever given her, and yet she purposefully damaged it. She's practically in tears.]
I understand if you're mad at me, but it weren't because I didn't appreciate it. I was-- I was having a lot of problems, and I needed something sharp, so I took a piece of wood off the headboard. But it still looks real nice; it's just a little banged up, is all. If I can sand it down I can fix it some, maybe.
I still love it, and I don't want you to think I don't. That's all.
[filtered to Barbara, Dillon, Duke, Horatio, Iris, Mason, Merlin, Simon, and Tig]
"May the Lord now show you kindness and faithfulness, and I too will show you the same favor because you have done this." Samuel 2:6.
[filtered to Mason and Tig]
Especially you, 'cause you ain't wardens and it weren't your job to try and help me, but you did it anyway. Thank you.
[OOC: Permissions post for this character!]
But before she does either, she has one public message and several private messages to send.]
If those were really real, I guess there was only one dream about me, because I only... died once. It was at night, out in the snow, and it was cold; there was a prissy-looking blonde lady. I went after her and then she came after me.
Anyone get that one?
[She's not crazy about the idea of people dreaming her life, but if they did, she wants to know about it.]
[warden filter]
I just wanted to say, you don't got to worry about me hurting people anymore. I got it all outta my system.
[She doesn't think about the fact that some (or even most) of the people she's addressing might not have any idea what she's talking about. She just assumes that since they're all wardens, they share most of their information.]
I didn't even do it 'cause I was mad this time; I did it because I thought it was what I was supposed to do. Sometimes… sometimes I look for messages from God too much.
[She offers a wan little smile, clearly forced.]
That guy is a real demon, though; I don't know if y'all know that. He admitted it to me himself. But I know God didn't actually tell me to kill him. I know. Maybe He didn't even tell me to kill that woman back in Litchfield, neither. I've been thinking about that, and...
[... And that's kind of off-topic. She trails off.]
So I won't do it again. No more killing for God.
[Probably. Maybe. She does genuinely mean it when she says that, but that doesn't mean that she won't change her mind later... or that she won't attack someone for completely different reasons, the way she did at least once before she found religion.
Now, though, she just shakes her head, looking down at her hands.]
It didn't even work, anyway. Nothing worked. The dreams stayed.
[filtered to Anya and the Admiral]
I broke the bed. I'm real sorry.
[And she does look sorry. In fact, she looks far more guilty when she talks about this than she looked when she talked about trying to murder Vergil. Her cabin's bed is one of the nicest things anyone has ever given her, and yet she purposefully damaged it. She's practically in tears.]
I understand if you're mad at me, but it weren't because I didn't appreciate it. I was-- I was having a lot of problems, and I needed something sharp, so I took a piece of wood off the headboard. But it still looks real nice; it's just a little banged up, is all. If I can sand it down I can fix it some, maybe.
I still love it, and I don't want you to think I don't. That's all.
[filtered to Barbara, Dillon, Duke, Horatio, Iris, Mason, Merlin, Simon, and Tig]
"May the Lord now show you kindness and faithfulness, and I too will show you the same favor because you have done this." Samuel 2:6.
[filtered to Mason and Tig]
Especially you, 'cause you ain't wardens and it weren't your job to try and help me, but you did it anyway. Thank you.
[OOC: Permissions post for this character!]
[Filtered]
Yeahhh, sure. Sure, I can do that.
[Filtered]
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[Filtered]
Hey.
[And with that, she leans forward and wraps her arms around him.]
[Filtered]
...What's all this about, then? You all right?
[Filtered]
[She's pretty much all cried out for the time being, but she does have to reach up and brush away an errant tear or two.]
I mean. I've hurt people before, sometimes a lot. I've seen dead people. But...
[There's a huge difference-- at least to her-- between someone being shot or beaten up, and someone being skinned alive or force-fed their own body parts.]
How do you deal with it? Is it okay if I ask that?
[It's not like he's told her anything about what he does, but she knows what a reaper is.]
[Filtered]
Well, it's diff'rent each time. Some days, you get a very black sense of humor about it all, an' you can make jokes an' find some way to keep it all light-hearted.
An' some days, you find you can't do that, so you turn to your vices. Drinking, sex, ghosting about your family..anythin' that makes you feel more alive than you do.
Conversation helps, with the ones who know what you're going through. Even if it's the kind where you're jus' sitting around the same restaurant in silence for hours an' hours because you can't sleep. You go through these...fuck, I dunno what to call 'em, long periods of this shit where you think nothing's ever going to get better...
Then one day soon, somethin' just makes you laugh, an' suddenly you feel worlds better an' the cycle starts up all over again.
[Filtered]
She's not sure she likes the sound of that.]
I think I'm in that third stage now. The one with everything being shit.
[She pats Mason's back a couple times, in response to both his words and his physical support. Life on the Barge might suck sometimes, but it sounds like his life before the Barge kind of sucked, too.]
But I want to like it here; I really do. Sometimes I even feel like I wanna stay.
[Filtered]
But here, look - it's only for a little while, an' then you go on back to your old life, your own world. So at least it's not forever.
[He gives a bit of a grin at that. Tiffany's caught on - Mason's been dodging graduation purely because he really doesn't want to go back]
Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes I feel that way too.
[Filtered]
At least they let you stay if you want. Like if you graduate, the Admiral doesn't make you leave.
[Filtered]
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[Tiffany hasn't really thought much about whether or not it's something she'd do, but... she likes that the option is there.
She leans up on her tiptoes and hooks her chin over Mason's shoulder (harder than it sounds, because he's nearly a foot taller than her). She pats him on the back again, squeezing his arm.]
Hey. You been real good to me. More than any other inmate has. Really-- thank you. And thanks for telling me about that reaping stuff.
[Filtered]
S'all right. I know, it's a bit scary when you first come here. But it's not really all that bad, some flood aside.
[Filtered]
[She presses her face down against his shoulder for a moment, then pulls away, giving him some of his personal space back. She goes to lean against her doorframe, crossing her arms.]
Listen. I gotta ask. Do you... know God? Like do you ever get to talk to him, because you're a reaper?
[She sounds hopeful, but is still kind of expecting a "no".]
[Filtered]
Do I know..?
Nah. Nah, I don't even know for sure if there's any god.
I've got a boss who thinks he's God. But he's jus' the head of my group. Seattle, external influences. An' he gets a list from someone higher-up, it's all fuckin' bureaucracy.
[Filtered]
[She doesn't say it in a prostheletyzing way, though. She's a lot less preachy when she's not surrounded by a group of lackeys she wants to impress.]
But... yeah, I thought you'd say that. I guess the higher-up isn't God, neither.
[Filtered]
You'd be surprised what they don't tell us about our own fuckin' job.
[Filtered]
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At least you're here now. And happier.
[Filtered]
M'happier here than I've been in some forty fuckin' years.
[Filtered]
Yeah. Even with the dreams, I don't... I don't hate it here. Not at all.
-- It's fucking crazy that you're that old.
[But also pretty sad that he's that old and didn't even enjoy most of it.]
[Filtered]
S'not been a terrible life, really. Jus' a tremendously dull, sad, short one.
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