tucky | ♻ 019

So are you.

[And though it's true that she's a lot closer to Roderick than she is to Letty, she feels like she should know - because of that closeness, not in spite of it.]

And if I'm gonna be friends with someone I don't wanna lie to myself about them.

Yeah, we're friends, but he's the kind of friend to you that's still important after you find out he's a goddamn psychopath.

[She can't help the way her voice turns ugly, turns bitter; she doesn't try. Anyone that expects her to be happy about what happened, or forgiving this soon after all this bullshit, has got a brand new view on life headed their way.]

[She flinches.]

I'm not saying I blame you. Or blame Lloyd, for going after him. He deserved it.

I didn't do anything, Tiffany.

I didn't do anything to him.

[Anger has ever been closer to Letty's heart than fear; she can feel it now, simmering under everything else, and she meant what she said earlier about letting Tiffany decide how much is too much, but it's all she can do to lean on it slow.]

I know. He's fucked up. He's... he's fucked up worse than almost anybody I ever known, I think.

I'm sorry.

Stop apologizing. It's not your fault.

And I get it. Alright? I do.

But I don't think you need this shit on that love you got for him, too. Not anymore than you already have anyway.

I think if you love somebody and they do bad shit - awful, terrible shit - it ain't right to ignore it.

I don't think I should ignore it and pretend like it didn't happen, and I don't think I should abandon him, neither. I am a warden. I ain't his warden, but I think I should help him.

I get it.

I wanna help you, too. Because you are my friend, Letty, and if you think I wouldn't wanna help you even if you did something bad, you're wrong.

[If she had a clearer mind, more energy, if she hurt less, Letty is sure she'd be able to sort out how much of the pressure being barely held in by her skull and her ribs is anger, how much is frustration, and how much is something completely different. She could probably even figure out why.

As it is, she lifts one hand to rub the corners of her eyes, because she doesn't even know where to start with this. The thought of trying kind of makes her feel nauseous and lightheaded and, inexplicably, like maybe she might cry after all.

She swallows, and does it anyway, keeping her voice as level as she can.]

I'd stolen a car. Crashed it. Piece of shit plastic toy...

I was okay, about to take off on foot, saw him. He waved me after him and I knew him, so I went. Said he had a room in the building we ended up in. Said I could lay low, till the cops were gone.

I said I'd clean up, then go. I did, but when I went to leave, he pulled out a goddamn crowbar and blocked me in.

...I need more water for this shit.

[Wordlessly, Tiffany gets up and goes to the bathroom, filling the cup from the tap. When she returns, she hands it to Letty, and sits back down.]

[Letty accepts it wordlessly, takes her time draining the whole thing. She knows it's not dryness that's hurting her throat. She knows what it is. Mind over matter, right?

The longer she talks, the more detached she sounds.]

I fought back. Locked myself in the bathroom, went after him with the lid off the toilet, the curtain rod, anything I could reach. But he's a lot stronger, and he was enjoying it.

I thought I could still win, even after he hit me in the head a couple times.

Didn't turn out that way. He just never stopped.

... You are brave. That's one of the bravest things I ever heard.

I'm dead.

[This is flat, more curt than she's ever been with Tiffany, even though her anger isn't for the girl.]

Twice over, I'm fucking dead.

[Tiffany isn't one of the people who can say It's okay, because you came back. It's still dying, and it still feels wrong.

She puts her hand back on Letty's arm.]

[Letty flinches when Tiffany touches her, but she doesn't pull away; it's part because everything hurts, part because she still vividly remembers the crowbar coming down, part because she's not sure she's ready to let anyone in that close while she's still this much in danger of coming completely apart.

Under Tiffany's hand, the shaking of Letty's muscles is barely perceptible.]

Lloyd found me, here. And you know the rest.